Jorgen STEPS UP! (Tune in to see what he is wearing!!)

What are you wearing…..What is your favorite clothing to wear?

I'm wearing out; I'm wearing on people's nerves; I'm wearing smartwool socks and some of my morning's breakfast.
My favorite clothing to wear is jeans and a t-shirt. Plus a sweater or sweatshirt because I'm always cold.  Plus smartwool socks and my breakfast.

What do you think your dogs thinks about you?

I have a few dogs and I think they all have different ideas about me.  Mostly they agree that I talk too much. Some of them think these long runs/hikes that we take most every day, often several times a day, rarely finding livestock, are a clear sign that I should NOT be the Captain of our Team.  Just because I have thumbs.  I should be content to operate a motor vehicle, open and close cupboards, and scratch those hard to reach places. Stick with what I'm good at and leave the Thinking Tasks to the Intelligent arm of our crew.  I wonder if my dogs view my having thumbs in the same way that I view women having large manufactured boobies: Okay, I'm sure they are fun and under certain circumstances can get results that not having them can't get, but they also get in the way of some activities, like counting to four and jogging… and give one a false sense of importance.

Are you happy about the past year trialing, do you think next year will be better?

I really hope so. The thing I feel best about this last year and trialing is that I stopped being so concerned about who was watching and how I must appear to other, especially better handlers. I stopped freaking out about my rate of improvement not being fast enough and other white noise that wasn't helping me. I still get nervous but I'm no longer consumed by it and my focus is better.  Next year better be better..or I'm getting enormous hooters.

If you would ask a TMT question that you did not have to answer, what question would you ask? 

I don't think there is a question that I'd ask to a general group of people and yet be unwilling to answer myself.  Ocassionally I can think of things to ask to just FUCK WITH PEOPLE, that I wouldn't especially want to answer because there really isn't a good answer so much as an exercise in mind fuckery.  I used to post those questions to the BC Boards, because that seemed appropriate to the intelligence and hysteria level present there…and it was FUN! But, sadly, I was kicked off, repeatedly, by that snatch ratchet Eileen for not taking the boards seriously.  Seriously!  The same could be said of my attitude toward Gogurt as a dietary staple and bacon flavored vodka.  Dog weddings.  

How do you relax your dog before a run?  Pat wants to know…

My son is going into the navy in about 4 weeks.  He's been planning on going into the navy for over a year but he enlisted with the Delayed Enlistment Program so that he'd have time to get a SEAL contract – have laser surgery on his eyes to meet the vision requirements, finish 15 hours of college, and become UBER FIT.

He leaves in a few weeks.  I'm not certain when I'll see him again and I especially have no idea when we'll have another holiday together. 

Complicating this Christmas was the fact that when he leaves in January, he can't take anything with him; He will have just the clothes on his back and even those get donated or shipped home.

No one had ANY idea what gift to get Carlos.  He doesn't even EAT good or interesting food anymore.  He lives a life of strict physical discipline; eats the same thing at regularly spaced intervals and works out 3-4 times a day.

His sister took us all go-cart racing.  Everyone else gave him money.  I didn't want to do that. I had NO OTHER ideas.

UNTIL..a week or so ago we were watching television together, all the dogs laying around on the floor or furniture except Scout, who tends to hunker down far away, in her crate or under a bed, awaiting whatever Dark Conclusion she seems always certain is right around the corner. Carlos loves Scout and she doesn't dislike him.  Carlos considers Zeke and Scout his dogs and everyone else my ridiculous excess.

Carlos loves Scout's weirdness; that she seems like she is intelligent, yet completely absolutely unsound.  Deranged, even. She's amusingly crazed and he likes having her around.

So, we were sitting around, Scoutless as usual.  I think I commented on how one day I wouldn't be surprised to find that she was building a bomb somewhere under the furniture.  Carlos called her a few times and eventually she came skulking in and jumped up onto the back of the couch to endure her standard 3 strokes on the top of the head or right side of the body.  She was just getting ready to get her skulk on when he said her name again and she stopped briefly, turning back to Carlos. She gave him one of her patented grisely smiles.  It's truly a sinister thing.

"KA-BOOOMB!"

We laughed. She disappeared.

"I know what I want for Christmas," Carlos said.

"What?"

"I want a picture of Scout on Santa's lap. …"

"Really?" I asked, picturing the many obstacles between that wish and reality.  That wish and a huge fine. That wish and me ruining Christmas for SANTA.

"Yes. That's what I want. And not some hokey bullshit petstore Santa…I want a Mall Santa with a good background and elves and shit…"

We both laughed. 

"Yeah.  What would be your SECOND choice this Christmas?"

Scout hates everything except me, Carlos, and trails. Scout barks at ANYTHING or ANYONE who makes eye contact with her, NO MATTER at what distance…through car windows, passing pedestrians…people in their kitchen next door.   Scout isn't friendly even to her own family most of the time.  Scout is an odd little dog who will bite.  Scout would hate Christmas if one could explain it to her.

Still.  With Kelsey's help and thanks to living in Rural America…

It never even dawned on the poor son of a bitch to be scared.  He was a jolly old elf indeed.  Though she didn't NOT HATE him, Scout also didn't bite or even bark at him. 

I'm pretty sure she didn't make a wish, thank God.

Jorgen asks:

Why do you like dogs?

Sometimes when Pat or Jai, or Scout…or Zeke..etc etc…is staring at me in what I think is fondness and a bond of unconditional loyalty and friendship; perhaps a desire to prompt me to interact in some way – scratch a belly or go hiking, it dawns on me that maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Pat is really thinking,

"If I had a couple of thumbs, I'd change the locks on this shithole and you'd be out of here. I can do so much better on Craigslist. "

Or,

"I wish I could knock you back to breakfast for yet another shitty kibble meal.  It's a crying shame that I'm going to die first. Probably."

I love that I'll never know this or really even seriously suspect my dogs of treasonous reasoning.  They don't have thumbs or equality with our species and they're too smart to blow a good thing. 

If dogs have a religion, they keep it to themselves.  Or maybe we are their religion. That is certainly more solid than alot of belief systems. 

Dogs are easy to make happy. If the rest of your day/week/month/year sucks like 250 horsepower shopvac…the simple uncomplicated joy of your dog(s) is impossible to not be effected by.

Why do you compete?

I have said for awhile that I don't really care if I compete.  It's less absolute now because it is a measure of our progress, but I really enjoy training best.  Trialing or training to trial brings me closer to my dog by refining my communication with him/her.  I like how much I've learned about my dog through stockdog work.  I love that it is so complex.  I really love that it's working with their instincts to do real work and not stupid tricks.

I'm glad my dogs don't want to dance or do obedience. We'd suck at that. Or I would, really. More.

I'm really happy when someone makes me think about something and respond to specific questions or a topic.  Otherwise lately I just read the internets for news.  Deaths…Christopher Hitchens, Kim Jong-Il…my attention span.

I haven't had time, really, or opportunity to work dogs. 

This week's topic, or today's, it comes from Ann of Suntrip Samoyeds …

What is your perfect dog?

        Do you like a dog that is really on the muscle?  I first started hating the term 'on the muscle' when I heard it in every sentence for an entire trial season to describe any dog that wouldn't LIE THE FUCK down despite how many time's his/her handler screeched the words.  It's sure better than My Dog Blows Me Off or MY DOG HUMPS THE INNOCENT.  Maybe it's a legitimate term for 3 or 4 handlers in the US.  Sadly I don't think I've heard it applied to one of their dogs by one of them.  But I drink a lot and rarely listen to the beginnings or the endings of most conversations.  Or sentences. I tend to be ON THE MUSCLE myself.

        Do you like a dog that needs a steady stream of whistles?  Probably this dog is ON THE MUSCLE.  I've watched some people run dogs this way and sometimes it's pretty beautiful work.  Some people, like Amanda Milliken, are quick enough and good enough, and so are the dogs,  that it's similar to a really cool choreography.  Sometimes it's just someone whistling to hear their head echo.

        Are you a maximal or minimal whistler?  I'm a shitty whistler.  I'm behind the curve half the time.  It's like I whistle panic or disappointment.  I'm changing that, however, slowly.  I STRIVE TO BE a quiet handler.  I can see where certain dogs might benefit from more input, but I'm a less input kind of person in general. I want my dog to be at least half the team.  If I could get Jai to pull me to the post in a sled, I'd let her order for me in restaurants.  I'd let her dress me. 

        Do you like a natural dog that feels the sheep and just needs a little direction here and there?  Who would say no to this question?  Those people should just ride a snowmobile or a jetski to the post with a chainsaw. They should do cat agility.

I'm cranky today. I haven't done MOST of my Xmas shopping and I haven't run in 2 days. Or three even.

        Do you like a dog that prefers certain type of sheep?
        Do you like a dog that wants to partner up and be a really good team player?
        Do you like a dog that really knows what s/he wants and you, as a handler really has to manage?
        Do you want push?
        Do you want a good listener?
        Do you want try? (Not tri.)
        Do you like a dog who gets the job done, no matter the sheep, but it’s a big job to get that dog listening?
        Do you want it all?
        Can you have it all? Since I don’t know enough to know what I don’t know, what do you want? What do you like?

Okay.  This is one 'Judy' reference away from channeling my mother.  (RIP)  This is where my attention span shuts down and I start wondering what I'll have for lunch.  (No offense, Ann.  My attention span dies and is resurrected like a Diesel Jesus…all existing at the metaphor level only)  I hit REFRESH on my NYT's and TPM screens to see who has died or done something politically outrageous. 

My perfect dog is Pat.  And Jai.  I'm probably NOT their perfect handler, but that's part of my job to figure out – how I can become closer to THAT GOAL.  Patrick has said that our dogs are born knowing how to do their job; our job is to learn how to communicate with them.  I believe that like every other relationship some people are better suited to some dogs.  Some communication happens more naturally than others.  I believe that some personalities are more compatible, temperments mesh better, and working styles more complimentary than others.  Pat and Jai are in some ways very different dogs and I love working both of them.  They are both sensitive and respond easily to correction.  I don't have to summon my inner Crazy Bitch. That's bonus! Some people may remember that I also really loved Rose, Patrick's dog, formerly Derek Fisher's.  Rose was a very hard dog to run, especially for me.  But I loved her toughness.  I admired her grit. I thought I wanted a dog exactly like her.  Patrick found me Jai, who is the polar opposite of everything Rose.  I can be successful with Jai, but I never would have been with Rose.  I don't have that much yell in me. That dog is fucking ON THE MUSCLE, for real.

Ann says Tell Me Hump Day:

What are your goals for yourself as a handler and for your dog(s) at the big trial this weekend?

As a handler I want to remember to think Big Picture, as Helsley told me in October at sheepcamp.  I need to be able to envision the goal and not get caught up in the details. STILL, however, I need to be able to juggle the details in order to obtain that goal.  I need for Pat to lie down at the top and I need to keep Jai out of trouble by keeping her in the right place to take my flanks at the right time.   I'd be happy to finish the course with Jai without being Thanked.  If I must be removed, I want it to be with some sort of horn or force.  Maybe Don can honk and then release his guard dog Norman.

For my dogs, I want Pat to have fun and not get frantic; not get yelled at.  I would like Jai to be relaxed and take her flanks.

Really, sadly, the ball here is all in my court.  If I don't achieve these goals, it's because I messed up.  I didn't keep my mind in the game. 

Fortunately I'll have plenty of alcohol on standby and I truly believe that I can outrun Don's old dog.

Jorgen asks:

What handler do you strive to be like, or handlers if you have Schizophrenia?
I don't strive to be LIKE any one handler as much as I like certain things about a few handlers that I want to emulate because I admire them and feel these qualities or characteristics would work for me.  Or I fantasize them working for me. 

I like how cerebral Patrick is about running and working dogs, and that he reminds us that the sheep aren't just props.  When I keep that in mind, I'm better with timing and pace myself. I like the DD's ingenuity in figuring out a dog. She has a lot of patience and it's rare that she doesn't find the right method to fix her issue with that dog.  I like that Jaenne always has a good run.  Doesn't matter what happens, I have never seen Jaenne anything but okay with it; happy, even,with the run and with her dogs. Lavon is quiet and consistent, almost subversive.  He's highly competitive and he's seriously fun.
 
How do you change your handling style depending on what dogs you trial?

Pat has to be stopped at the top. That is key. DD has chided me over and over and I have said that I knew and understood this, but I finally get it.  If Pat is NOT STOPPED at the top…he won't be stopped until it is all over. It will be 5 – 9 minutes of fast paced ugly and he won't even know I'm there. He becomes crazed. Inside so do I.  If I stop him at the top and keep him just a bit backed off, he is solid. He is fast on his flanks and good and will save my ass with nice lines and making panels.

Jai is the opposite here. She tends to stop on her own at the top and lift gently and then things get rolling.  She needs her pace and position behind the sheep to be monitored and to be kept from using her eye for Badness; flanking just enough to keep moving and not too much so that all motion stops.  I have to keep her from being sucked into the sheeps yummie bitable bubble. 

How do you change your handling depending on what trial you are running at?
I'm not sure I'm at the point in my handling or trialing to know enough about locational finesse.  I've stopped scoping out a good place for a post-run cry, but I'm not much beyond that.

As per Lora STEPPING UP and giving us a new weekly question:

What would you NEVER name your next dog?

I would NOT name a dog Mohammed because the LAST thing…the VERY LAST thing I need at a stock dog trial is a fatwa against me.  Mohammed's photo, posed next to some sheep, framed in gold, on my blog would confuse and irritate people, especially if he were also posed humping some 'virgins'…

Wars are started over less.

Plus, really…

"MOHAMMED LIE DOWN!!"

I would not name my dog using only sounds and tongue clicks, like the word for 'Pat' or 'Zip' in a southern African tribal dialect, NO MATTER HOW TRENDY and cutting edge it may make me seem. 

I would not name my dog 'Phillip' because that sounds like a serious matter-of-fact name. The name of a dog who wouldn't "get" me.  A dog who would find this "running a course" for no other reason than "competition" as being wasteful and wrong.  Shallow.  Sheep? Why? Whatever for? Phillip would prefer chicken.  Phillip would like being read to from the kibble bag so that he could disapprove.  He'd think getting a cat to keep me company while he dug escape holes in the yard a better plan.  A dog who might conspire to have me penned.  Sent to rehab or counseling…a "wellness spa." When I got back, Phillip would have found a new 'Mistress'. He'd wag goodbye sadly but sensibly and he'd be wearing a sweater vest.  Made from cat fur.

At first I thought I would NOT name a dog after myself.  But I've decided, just since my last paragraph, really, that I would. And will.  It will confuse people to hear me screaming my own name on the trial field. I like the symmetry in everyone being equally confused while I'm out there.