I've had a few emails asking me about Derek. Especially since he wasn't at Big Willow this year.
"Is he OKAY?" Anonymous People ask, "Has he quit TRIALING?"
Well, he certainly hasn't quit shedding, if you know what I mean. And speaking of trials….
It's not easy making a living in Idaho training and trialing dogs, but its even harder making it as a lanky stripper with a bitchy personality.
Stripping bachelor parties and republican conventions wasn't keeping Derek's dogs in designer kibble, let alone doggy aveda. He was having to skimp on hair gel and NOT IRON Jen's coat before taking her to the desert.
It was too much. Her collar was last years. Everyone has noticed, he said. It's humiliating.
"She might as well roll in shit, like your dogs," Derek sniffed.
We all know: you do what you have to do in this sport to stay in it and get ahead. You buy more and better dogs, you get a trailer, you spend big money on entering trials where you don't have a chance…. We've all done it (well, you people have. Yawn. I just work the pens, set-out if I'm lucky; sleep in my car, and drink.)
Derek has had to take on Children's Parties.
I happened to witness one such event, downtown, at a daycare last Thursday. He just needed to do ONE party to raise the money to enter Jen last minute in Big Willow and pay for her new fur extensions. He just needed a little more cash for entree fees on both days and to have his and her brows waxed to look more humble when they won. A gentle arch.
Little twins Johnny and Lindy Tuttle turned 7 years old on Friday. Before that neither had ever seen a grown man's waxed bikini line. Well, Lindy claims that she has, but, as Derek, and Jimmy maintain,
"She's a lying fat little bitch."
Most of the children hadn't seen anything like this….
Shortly after naptime, Derek arrived at the Kids R People Too Day Skool dressed as a cowboy clown. Yesse Yams is what his large business card said. On his head he wore a 30 gallon hat (with a spiggot and 2 handles – koolaid and vodka); Two large potatoes
were holstered at his side. (Or so I thought that the two
huge fleshy colored things in his holsters…were yams…because of the
name. No. Nonono.) He had on oversized boots, with spurs – big ole evil looking things, although he assured everyone that they were edible,
"Like my G-String"
Which he pulled up above the saggy colorful belt-line of his designer cowboy clown jeans. He snapped the G-string, pulled the pants down to his knees and did some sort of gymnastic maneuver that showed all 4 servings. Parent's gasped.
The kids did clap, I have to say. Except Lindy.
"You're too skinny," she said, "You look like my uncle Ronny and he goes potty on himself."
That little bitch.
"HIDY, KIDS!" he said through his legs, cowboying up, as they say, despite the birthday girl.
"I hope you don't go potty on yourself," she trilled. He ignored her.
Derek made a balloon Mariah Carey, and a couple of Michael Kors bags. He tweezed one girls mother with some huge appliance.
The children were, in general, at first amused, but kids are easily
distracted, and Derek doesn't really like anything that doesn't own an
IPhone and can't drink hard liquor. Never has. Not even as a toddler,
his grandmother told me. He started getting edgy about the lack of tipping.
In fact, the kids had stopped even paying attention. They were talking, and laughing, and wrestling…spinning in place…
He tried all his best moves. The little beasts ignored him. Took off his clothes, instead of dollar bills, one child handed him a soiled kleenix!
"Mister, I found this..in my nose…"
FINALLY Derek tried to give first Jimmy and then Lindy a lapdance, while juggling …the "yams"…,
"IT WAS TASTEFUL," as he told the officers. "I kept the holster and the g-string on. I used music from that mermaid cartoon…it was all VERY DISNEY…Like that cowboy from Toy Story, only hung…and with decent legs….and a yam…"
Turns out in the CLOWN world, a 'yam' is a something else entirely. Some are peeled, some aren't. Just like with European men.
It was when Lindy put her gum in Derek's G-string that the yam hit the fan, almost literally enough to be figurative again.
"I thought it was the trash. Yuk."
Soon all the children were shoving garbage in Derek's tiny little g-string…where only dollars, mostly, had gone before.
All he could do was slap at them with his vibrating tubers. Until the police came.
Anyway! Derek is finished with Children's Parties (or being within 200 yards of a school) and promises to be at the Next Trial Near You. So, it all worked out for the best as everything tends to.
There wasn't a willow this year, anyway.