In Seattle, downtown, I think on 2nd street, near Virginia…on a HUGE billboard located several stories up a brick building is a sign that features a woman's left hand with the ring finger aloft and the flashing neon words "VACANCY" next to it. That pretty much sums up my friend Allison. She wants a husband. She loves Martha Stewart and quilting and cooking….and skulls and sticking pins through the prettiest butterflies so that she can keep them under glass forever. Now she lives in Florida, where that sort of thing is popular with men, only hookers instead of butterflies and a thin layer of leaves on an old highway spur instead of glass. Shallow grave/Under glass…prostitutes/pollinators… It's a thin interchangeable line, really, if you are me.
"You should marry a serial killer!" I told her last night. "Women DO THAT!"
I saw it on Bravo channel during my last travel. Women Who Love Monsters… I watched it because I was hoping it was about dating rogue grizzlies or men dressed like angry muppets… or something more interesting.
She rolled her eyes. "A serial killer can't buy me stuff."
"He could if he were a RICH REALITY SHOW serial killer. Why not a show that features a death row killer and women who VIE for his LOVE? Till Death Do Us Part…or Death Row Bride…."
"Those are stupid names," said the woman who calls herself Muffin Girl on marryme.com. "It would need a better name…."
"You would kick serious ass at the little competitions! You know TAXIDERMY! and YOU CAN RUN A CHAINSAW! You know how to cook…you hate prostitutes!"
"Yeah….Ted Bundy was sort of hot….I don't hate prostitutes!"
"Well, you could learn to…for the Right Man. It's better than having to learn to golf, or spend Christmas with his mother."
"Then there is the followup show — Conjugal Wives of Dade County!"
"I could have my own show when he finally gets his lethal injection! Like Martha! This might be BETTER than Match.com…." she clapped.
"It will be better," I told her, "Who wants a center piece out of crepe paper when you can have human remains? Think of the grateful families! THE REUNION SHOW!"
Why am I not being paid for this shit? I WAS BORN TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY!