EyeHerdEwe

~ An Eye for an I, a tooth for a Thank You

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Monthly Archives: October 2009

I’m A Uniter, They Have Dividers

30 Friday Oct 2009

Posted by Katy in Weirder Shit Some of You Hate

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Gena is a mother.  A single mother.  She has 3 children whom she adopted from far away lands or convicts and she parents like a hun.  She approaches everything with the same Atilla softness. I like Gena a lot, but I've never had her strict overbearing dictator arm pointed at me.  I have never supervised anyone and never will.  There isn't a GS-rating high enough to tempt me.  As a mother, I tend toward being….bewildered. Thank GOD my children have always pitied my lack of parenting skills instead of exploiting them.   Where I've heard Gena tell people she has her kids do jumping jacks for questioning her, I tended to question myself when my children questioned me.

"God, Carlos…maybe you are right. Maybe we should pull an all nighter and watch this movie 5 more times.  I think I thought you were supposed to be in bed by 8 because I've heard such things on television or from less imaginative mothers. Get me another beer and lets get on with it!"

When Cienna and Carlos were small, my only real rule was, "Please don't bring too many of those other people your age over at once. I'm not sure what to say to them and I'm pretty certain I can only go an hour or so without using the words that your teachers don't like and that your not allowed to say, except at family gatherings, until you can use them correctly in a FULL sentence."

This advice applies to me and people my age, too. 

Gena is trying to boss Susie and me around this morning.  She's rearranged her work area, because Janus suggested that she do so, and now she's reclaiming her tactical space.  Susie feels guilty to have started this and exposed. Susie hates conflict. She is on her belly licking Gena's jaw. 

Gena just suggested that I move my boxes, so she doesn't have to face them, to which I replied,

"No…I have a meeting then I'm going home, bitches. " 

We all have to face something we don't like.  Silence. Susie and Gena exchange eyebrow involved glances.

No one said Thank You to me for giving them something to bond over. 

The War Against Darling isn’t Pretty

29 Thursday Oct 2009

Posted by Katy in Weirder Shit Some of You Hate

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Album-hungry-for-stink

When I got to work this morning, Janus intercepted me outside her office, where I was skulking, and said,

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm….what do I ever do here?"  I thought it might be a trick question.

"Susie isn't going to be happy…I told her that she'd have the office to herself…"

"SWEET HOT CREAMY CENTERED CHRIST, Janus, are we really catering to this despot in disneywear?"

Apparently we are.  I have to keep my office calendar current and WORK AT HOME more so that Susie's head doesn't pop right off and go rolling down the rat-infested hallway.  

Susie just got to work.  I'm playing my favorite L7 cd – Hungry for Stink…softly.  L7 was a part of the original grunge scene, only out of Los Angeles.  I love their music, but I'm guessing Susie won't.  It's funny that this angry, disturbed punk sounds actually more sinister played softly,

I'm saving my piss in a jar
This depression has gone too far
I'm lying here in bed
Am I alive or am I dead

I'm questioning my sanity

The paint chips are kicking in
Desperation bubbles my skin
There's stuff crawling on the floor
Crackers with black books knocking at my door

Now I just need a bookshelf for my Precious Dead Baby Animals in Jars collection.  I'm bidding on twin squirrels RIGHT NOW! 

Change

28 Wednesday Oct 2009

Posted by Katy in Weirder Shit Some of You Hate

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I worked Jen and Pat at Dianne's house this morning. 

Pat took all my gentle corrections, my whistles were recognizable as direction and not some sort of off-key mechanical tourettes.  Pat stayed calm, I stayed quiet and confident.  He worked better for me than he ever has. He took inside flanks, his outruns were wide and nice; he stopped on a dime ….I had .60 cents scattered all over the pasture…and a couple of nickels, one of which he pee'd on, as did I…more disappointing than a penny, really, and none of the old world charm. One thing is certain: Pat knows his pocket change…

Jen likewise listened and her stamina has improved even in this short period.  My biggest challenge with her this weekend will be in not losing my own head and doing a succession of stupid things.  Like being on the wrong side of the gate for the sort, forgetting an obstacle, or answering my cell phone if it rings. …Thinking I should try anything that involves a duck. 

Both worked so well that it's almost ominous.  Just in case, for the trial I plan to wear a flame-retardant
padded suit, carry a thatch of Dianne's hair, and
saturate my shoes with goat urine.  That last part is experimental.

I'm looking forward to the ranch trial…and being out at GL all weekend. 

A Pox on Adorable

28 Wednesday Oct 2009

Posted by Katy in Weirder Shit Some of You Hate

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Apparently SUSIE doesn't like our office arrangement.  After Gena and I left yesterday, Susie whined like a jetski across the pristine waters that were our mostly unpacked (well, not me..) setup, down the hall, and into Janus' office. 

Gena texted me last night. 

"Susie went to Janus after we left today and told her that she hates everything about our office and is demanding things be rearranged, with movable partitions and that my air fresheners be put in the break room…"

I have no idea how she knows this.  She is prone to paranoia, she probably has our offices wired.  Those fucking plants.  She and Susie are much better friends than any other configuration in this mix, outside the fichus and the fern, maybe,  and, frankly, I don't give a roll-away fuck where I work. I'm working on my couch in Greenleaf right now.  My dogs wag when I "take a meeting"….Only people I like call me on my cell phone.   I have all the coffee I need and music and NPR and no. fucking. renuzit. 

That the Renuzit was one of Susie's complaints is pretty funny, actually.  Maybe she has a beef (PUN! She's a VEGETARIAN!) with the plug in freshener because I told her, when Gena was out of the room, that they are tested on KITTENS.  They might be. I don't know that they AREN'T.  Anyway, Susie wants candles, apple cider cooking in her tiny crookpot…'natural' odors….  Everything bad is relegated to the break room, THAT I can agree with.  I dump everything I don't want in there… Once I left a sandwich on the table, like an offering to Breaks. No one touched it for at least a week. I assume it isn't still there, but I wouldn't put money on it. Maybe its been relocated to the new breakroom.

Anyway, the entire time we were moving into our office Gena kept consulting both Susie and I…

"Is it okay if I put my bookshelf here?"

"Do you mind your desk there?"

"Can I burn something that smells like old lady sweaters on high?"

I didn't care much about any of it, except the ELECTRIC ODOR MACHINE.  Susie shrugged and smiled through it all.  Susie has DEMANDS that she will only air at the top.  I hate that sort of passive aggressive way of doing business. 

I have a jar of Doe Pee (100%) scent from a few years ago I thought might be nice. It is fall…

She looks good without a dick

27 Tuesday Oct 2009

Posted by Katy in Weirder Shit Some of You Hate

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I just had to get up in front of a group of 50 people, which I *LOATHE*, with 3 others, which is *STUPID*, and present on something RIGHT BEFORE LUNCH, which, unless you can pull off naked sushi, is just asking to be ignored or resented

…which I'm *USED TO*…

I left my phone on vibrate, which I *LOVE* and I got like 6 calls in the space of 10 minutes….which isn't nearly as gratifying as it sounds, because I always jump when my phone goes off unexpectedly, near my kidneys, in my jacket pocket, convinced that one or more of my internal organs is finally staging a coup or I'm a host to some huge internal parasite. At last.

THEN a man who used to be my arch NEMESIS, a tight-ass little dickweed, if I may, but now is a woman and much sweeter, though, sadly, no one you'd want to see naked with sushi all over her hairy little body…not me, anyway, though I'm curious, and hungry….came up to me, ran me down as I was running out of the meeting, before someone could stop me, and said,

"KATY! I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI!! HI!! DO YOU REMEMBER ME!? ITS ME —JANET!"

Janet used to be Bill when he and I hated one another.  I understand now why she ne he was such a complete and utter asspipe.  All that dyed blonde hair and bad manicure battling to get out.  A small step for Rayon, a giant leap for the Princess Collar.  Sh-fucking-Zam.

"You look great," I said, truthfully. I never saw him smile like she was.  She had a firm hold of my hand, in a good way.  Then my phone went off again, I flinched, so did she and we both went our seperate ways.  Social awkward freaks that we both are and always have been.

I'm just glad my work day is almost over and tonight is GREENLEAF NIGHT.

Tomorrow I'll have a dog post.

I Would Call Him Stephen

27 Tuesday Oct 2009

Posted by Katy in Weirder Shit Some of You Hate

≈ 3 Comments

There are no fewer than 6 mouse traps up and down the halls leading to my office.  My office-mates both have enormous vats of hand sanitizer on their desks, next to pictures of cats and children and plants.  I have an indiscernable framed photo of Britney's pixelated Lady Garden (Thanks Cienna!). Everyone knows what it is, but no one wants to talk about it. I feel the same about their children and cats…. My space is already a capsized mess of hard drives, DVD and CDroms, stacks of paper….I have 6 boxes of shit I will never unpack, but have stacked around my desk.  The power cords snaking off my desk alone are alarming, even to me.

It's all making them so twitchy. They spritzer their plants as if to ward off my clutter.

Susie has a scented candle, Gena has her goddamned Renuzit plugin.

"We should have Soup Tuesdays! or APPLE CIDER!" Susie clapped, "It would smell so yummy cooking!"

I have never wanted a fetus in a jar as badly as I do right now.  Scratch and sniff.

Moved

26 Monday Oct 2009

Posted by Katy in Uncategorized

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What the hell did I have jammed in my craw last night, eh? Hey, long weekend.  Rhonda, it's fine that you cancelled. Who am I to judge, anyway? You should be like my other friends and just say, "Katy — FU".  Lora, I don't have much to report on Derek, yet.  My lesson was so PG as to scare me back to ProNovice where I will walk upright and suck like one.

Today is moving day.  My new office is shared with two women. Susie, who loves cats and cute things, hearts and butterflies. She's so nice I want to stab myself with my mechanical pencil just to cut thru the good to something I understand.  And Gena, someone whom I've worked with for years and who I would consider a work friend.  Sadly she loves plants and air fresheners.  (Both women do, actually)  Two enemies of mine. I don't like things that die a quiet easy death.  With leaves.  I don't like smelling anything obvious that won't satisfy some, preferably unhealthy, appetite.  Air fresheners are the frauds of the sensory world.  I've told them that I will be frying bacon later.  Both women looked alarm. Susie actually moved her plants. 

AND Because my blog needs PICTURES and COLOR: One of my favorite co-workers is in town –Andy W. (Pictured here in his Cyclo-cross Barbie wear)

Andy

He's a 'researcher' from Portland who I stick on every group or committee that I am on just to have his craziness and large indecipherable brain around.   He tends to talk fast and long about shit that no one understands and then when you look at him like WTF? he sums his wisdom up in one tidy statement.  He has insane prematurely white hair that sticks up everywhere and he consumes more beer and junk food than anyone I've ever met.  Sometimes he sends me cryptic messages late at night that must be beer induced and yet are so well constructed or amusing that I save them and try to figure them out. Here is his last one:

I am so far gone….    Like December. 

Gone.  WIth a flock of
large people in their shorts that have been let sag and stuck in places
I wish I didn't have to see, the hawaiian shirts that are more
expensive than they should be given what hawaii really is, the sandals
they wear so they can get through security, but still they take a 12 oz
bottle of lotion – heck , if I knew that, I  would've brought a silo or
two of "chelada" for the flight so I would fit in.  And all this on
flights to Cincinnati or Kansas City, or Albuquerque via Salt Lake
City.   BMs and ipod did wonders.

This time I end on a Kinder, Gentler Katy note…see? Like my bacon, I'm cured!

Rant

25 Sunday Oct 2009

Posted by Katy in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

…Sometimes I feel like I SHOULD post on something, because its expected by my *3* estimated regular readers…but in the end I just can't think of anything new or interesting to say about it, and, anyway anyone who really cares will call me tomorrow.   Suffice it to say that a) Derek was helpful, and entertaining, as always, and I had a good time running Jen through the Ranch course today….It was worth $25 to me, but I'm not sure about Derek, driving that aged Chevy? pickup 30 or so hard-lived miles from Old New Plymouth for just ME…

because I was his only student.  Rhonda cancelled and…

SURPRISE:

b) A** predictably flaked, yet again…Does she ever show up? Is she just FUCKING WITH US?  I don't care if she reads my blog, or someone quotes me here because, frankly, I don't give a crispy fisting what your other certifiable reasons for being a Chronic might be – quit being so habitually rude.  You can be lazy or drunk or eye-warbling mad like many of my friends; you can rock like a 30 week fetus in crazy fluid, jabber in tongues and lick Janie's t-posts…you can medicate yourself until the only thing behind those beady brown eyes is thorazine and whatever else you had for breakfast but if you're well enough to say you'll be somewhere you are well enough to fucking be there. ONE TIME.  ONE FUCKING TIME.  No excuses.   

Nice, huh? I like A**. She's one of my 46th or 59th closest friends. Really. I plan to name a cat after her someday.  I'm not mean, I just have a nice deficiency. 

While I'm on a rampage here are some other things that irritate me:

"It is what it is…." – While that may have been refreshingly succinct the first time it fell on human ears, it is now so overused and pumped full of banal as to actually hurt my cringing gland when I hear it an estimated 10 – 100 times daily by those who just lack the imagination or verbal skills to say WHAT IT REALLY ACTUALLY IS OR ISN'T.  NEVER USE THIS EXPRESSION AGAIN.  IT IS WHAT IT ISN'T, ACTUALLY. IT ISN'T SAYING ANYTHING.  Try just shrugging.  Or licking something inanimate.

Renee Zellweger – I watched a sort of documentary series called 'Iconoclasts' this weekend, a Sundance channel production that "pairs two creative visionaries who discuss their lives, influences, and art."  The episode I saw had my favorite Christiane Amanpour with the worst actress ever — Renee Z.  So we have Christiane eloquently describing how she has for the last 20 years traveled with CNN to cover war, and death, and famine ..why it is a moral imperative of people in her position to reveal a dark inhumane or awful truth in a a way that inspires others to feel a responsibility towards changing it.  Renee would interrupt with such insightful remarks as,

"I know! RIGHT? Cause they are really poor! It makes me sad!" and,

"Where are some pretty places you've visited?"

"I was going to be a journalist, too! I can't remember why I didn't be one…."

Okay. I'm paraphrasing, but its not far from the mark.  I was a little disappointed that Amanpour didn't gut punch Zellweger mid-way through the hour episode.  Or just ask her to show the camera men her wan little teats and then get the hell out of there.  Where was the creative vision in letting that skinny little latex vole prattle on about moisturizer for Darfur? I kept waiting for Christiane to offer a solution for vapid hollywood actresses earning enough during that interview alone to feed several of her recently visited refugee camps for a year….but it never happened.  Single tear.  DIsappointment.

I'll probably delete this tomorrow. This has become one of my favorite things to do.

UPDATE: I deided not to delete this because it felt cowardly.  I did delete A's consonants, though. I stripped her of them. My policy in general is to not write about anyone I know or have met unless I ask first.  Usually.  UNLESS I don't like them or they piss me off.  Half the people I know, at the least, don't even know I have a blog(s).  Its a wide grey line alright.

Tanner is Fat

23 Friday Oct 2009

Posted by Katy in Uncategorized

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Yesterday I had a great morning/early afternoon working dogs at Dianne's house.  I worked Pat and Jen, they worked great, both.  The key with Pat is being quiet and not making him frantic.  He's a sweet dog who wants to do the Right Thing.  The key to Jen is that she patronizes me.  I have to be a little more insistent with her and I have to take into account that I've let her get a little out of shape so getting her to cover her sheep is harder for both of us if I'm not on top of it at all times.   It's challenging to go from one dog to the other with their opposite working styles, but its also really good for me.

Jen dreams of a world where I crawl to the post in heels. Pat dreams of me in a crate while he and Dianne go to lunch. 

Zeketreesm 

Zeke Finley

Yesterday afternoon I took Zeke Finley on a long run in the foothills. About 45 minutes into the run he ran off across a ravine and thru a creek after a deer and when I called him back I heard scrambling, a splash and YIPE YIPE YIPE.  In the end, he'd fractured his right front leg.  So, after an hour or so walking out to the car with Zeke either limping on 3 legs, or me carrying him for brief stretches, we spent the evening in Animal Emergency where everyone else's night, except Tanner's owners, was way worse than mine. (Euthanasia, Dog ate poison, dog peeing blood in the foyer).

Tanner's owners carried him in, claiming that he couldn't walk.  Tanner was some sort of small long curley-haired house dog. He was the fattest dog I've seen in quite some time.  Two women (mother and daughter, I assumed by the MATCHING DEER AND GAMEBIRD SCENE fleece coats, although they looked roughly the same red-meat and gravy middle-age) and a man in a Railroad Union jacket.  The women talked at the same time. 

"Tanner won't walk"

"Tanner can't walk"

"Tanner hasn't walked all evening."

The man stood there, holding Tanner. He agreed,

"Yup. He's not walking, that's for sure."

"Put him down so we can look at him," the vet tech instructed.

The man put Tanner gingerly down, as if he were loaded, and Tanner promptly shook his mussed coat out and then waddled over to the vet tech, wagging.  Tanner jumped up on the tech's legs. Then turned a portly little circle, wagging.

"WULL I'LL BE…" the women said simultaneously, then,

"He HASN'T WALKED ALL NIGHT! HE WASN'T ABLE!"

and "No. Not a STEP!"

The man added, "Tanner you fucking shit bag."

Anyway, I was relieved to have something worth laughing at.   I was there for HOURS while they took x-rays of Zeke's leg.  In the end, it was determined that he had a 'stable fracture' and more x-rays should be taken to see if Zeke needed surgery and to have his fractured bones pinned.  I asked what my other options were, since I'm fairly opposed to surgery unless absolutely necessary, (I.e pissing blood in the foyer or having eaten a railroad spike). 

I took what was behind door number 2, waiting and seeing how the next few days play out.  Already Zeke is better. His swelling went down and he's not, visibly anyway, in pain.  

Tanner was walking on his fat hind legs for milkbones when we left.

DJF Clinic – Beyond “Fetching” and “Penning”

22 Thursday Oct 2009

Posted by Katy in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Sunday GSH is having guest trainer Derek Fabulous Fisher teach lessons in Caldwell.  It hasn't been SPECIFIED but I hope that he will be giving us a bit more than the standard Dianne fare.  I mean, Dianne is GREAT with the dogs, and the people, and the training of both on livestock. Classic stuff…but I want to hope that bringing Derek in means that we are FINALLY going to address some other important issues.  Like fashion.

I think we could all use some tips on Walking to the Post.  Sashay? Grind? Runway walk?  CRAWL with fruit in your mouth? Dianne has been known to throw in a pratfall, and I'm certain that works if you can pull it off, but some of us can't, not in hooker heels and a skirt so short that the clerk in the children's store didn't want you to try it on, let alone sell it to you.  Some of us know that our only hope for getting a 'score' on the trial field is in distraction from the actual DOG on STOCK portion of the run.  With the right outfit, anyone can run in open. I'm convinced of it. I've convinced myself and it's no where near happy hour.  In Greenleaf.

But, you might ask, what if its a WOMAN JUDGE? Someone who, once she gets over the horror of seeing a fellow female handler crawl to the post in an S&M vinyl truss, actually watches the dog and the stock and RATES YOU ACCORDINGLY?  This is where an experienced voice like Derek will really have some good ideas.  Tough stuff.  I won't trial under a woman, personally, because they are too emotional.  Too much drama. 

Anyway! If you are in the Caldwell area on Sunday, consider stopping by and learn to crawl like an Open Handler.  Pro Novice is just another word for Dignity.  You have NOTHING to lose.

I'm off to train with the Traditional. 

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