I've been having one of those days where I am supposed to be "making a
map" and "processing data" and "returning calls" and "responding to
email"…dodah dodah…"doing" my "job", as I've been reminded, and I have just
found that I can't. I DO NOT WANT TO. It fatigues me to think of
it. So, instead, I've taken an online quiz, played spider solitaire,
bought some new shoes and switched careers.
The online quiz actually suggested that I might be suitable for work
as a dental technician, or it would have had I finished taking it,
since it was sponsored by the Phoenix School of Dental
Technicianry….but my new shoes said different … They said, "Step back, let us handle this…"
Anyway, just after lunch, before I went to the bathroom and washed
my hands, standing in front of Chet's cat trophy case, I decided I
should just be a Life Coach. Or, rather, that I AM a Life Coach and
now I just need to help shift the expectations of those around me.
"No, Robert, I can't make your map, but I can help you
determine if a "Map" is what you really want and, if so, how you can
organize your life to best fulfill this desire."
"But…you were going to make me a map showing type 1 helicopter locations…for my meeting…"
"Robert! Shhhhhh! Robert! You need to look forward and inward. Sort of Frinward….I'm your coach, but YOU are IN THE GAME!"
Robert, like many, (the other participants on my early afternoon
conference call, the girl in the stall next to me in the bathroom,
anyone who emailed me after 11) seems to be not enjoying what he has,
which is a classic symptom of someone in need of a Life Coach. I'm
trained to deal with this. I've read ten's of terms, looked at
pictures of professional coaches on the internet and attended, sort of, by mouse-hovering the
registration, one online training session.
"Do you want to look at some pictures of unclean teeth?" I offered Robert, gesturing toward my screen. I'd saved some really nasty shots of gingivitus from the online dental quiz. One was now my wallpaper. Craggy overbite surrounded by bleeding gums. It was enough to make anyone re-evaluate things.
Robert looked away, but continued to stand in my cubicle. He tapped his leg with an agitated hand.
I picked up my phone and pretended to dial. This often gives unwanted cubicle visitors the hint that I've moved on and so should they. Sadly, it is a ploy that needs to work immediately as I don't do the pretend dialing thing very well. I sort of slap at the pad until it seems sufficient. Usually it is, for my purposes. Robert was committed. And I may have slapped an inappropriate number of times, like 30 or 40….not even international dialing justifies this. Robert looked back, sharply. He pulled up a chair and sat down. He wasn't going anywhere without his map. I hit a few more keys and "left a message,"
"Oh, hi, Lisa. .. or should I say, 'Buenos Noches!' This is Katy..if you could call me back ASAP it would be greeeaat. I know you wanted my advice on your life and I have some great ideas that include…flossing and maybe taking up taxidermy. Call me!"
Robert, meanwhile, was staring at the floor.
"GOD!" I hissed at him, "FINE!"
I made his map. But I spelled helicopter wrong and I made the tiny symbols on the map, instead of little type 1 aircraft, little handmixer symbols. They look similar from a myopic distance. But not at all up close. They're clearly 2 beaters on a blending device. Robert lacks attention to detail. He would make a poor dental technician.