This afternoon I had lunch with my Arch Nemesis, Donna Godmen. She is who I usually CLAIM to be, publicly, when I've had too much to drink in a work setting…like at conferences. Places where our mutual peers tend to gather and drink responsibly and talk about their …work. Yawn.
"I'm Donna Godmen and I have a boobjob made of orphan tears!"
"I'm Donna Godmen and I am lobbying Congress to have Smokey the Bear changed to Smokey the Sturgeon because i think people like fish BETTER than bears and no one minds if we introduce them into any ecosystem we choose! I could introduce one RIGHT NOW, if I wanted. No one would GIVE A SHIT! I'm DONNA GODMEN and I have A POCKET FULL OF STURGEON EGGS!!"
Anyway, I'm stupid when I drink, though I think its HILARIOUS, at the time, as do my "friends"…
So, naturally, I wondered if Donna called to ask me to lunch so that she could demand that I stop being her, drunkenly, in public.
"I'm DONNA GODMEN and I have BEEN KILLING SHEEP IN MONTANA AND IDAHO FOR YEARS and BLAMING WOLVES! Because I HATE SCRATCHY SWEATERS! AND CAR SEAT COVERS! Wolves NEVER DID SHIT FOR ME!"
She picked me up. We drove to a restaurant near where I work. I ordered a salad and soup, which I love. I did not order a beer, though I wanted to…but I was afraid I'd turn into her and no one would be present to laugh:
"I'm DONNA GODMEN and I have a RATTLESNAKE in my UNDERWEARS because it FEELS GOOD! THE SNAKE LIKES IT TOO! I Can't GET PREGNANT FROM UNPROTECTED RATTLING!"
She even PAID for my lunch! NOT A WORD about me being her inebriated alter ego. She didn't say anything that shed the slightest bit of light upon the mysterious invitation. Now I almost expect a severed horse head to be resting in my car driver's seat when I leave today.