I was pulled over by an officer of the law on my way to work this morning.  I was going 33 in a school zone. My Opinion: They shouldn't put schools near four lane roads.  They should put them near strip clubs and hour rate hooker motels where people NATURALLY slow down….And putting schools on 4 lane roads near bagel shops…that's just like baiting bears.  

I don't take this route normally to work but today I wanted to bring bagels for our help desk and the bagel shop is in this section of town.  Coincidence? There are no coincidences…

I had just bought the bagels, in fact, and was contemplating my choices, steering with my knee while texting friends and co-workers, and changing the radio station because I hate it when people try to be funny in the morning unless its accidental.  I gunned the engine to make it through a cross walk and saw flashing lights in my rearview and realized immediately, after about 3 blocks (had to finish my texting), that the lights were not actually choreographed with my new radio choice.  Cop. Could he KNOW that I had yummy fresh bakery items? 

Officer Puffball (Not his real name) was very white, with a round top,
short narrow stem….an overall fungal quality, approached my subaru with
extreme caution- hands out to side near gun, face grim. His shoes squeaked like shiny faux leather sidekicks.  I held a cinnamon sugar bagel out for him, thinking it the best choice for a man of his girth. I waggled it toward him.

He ignored it.  Or pretended to.

"License and registration." He said.

I handed him that, plus my last vet bill…because it was all in the same tidy wad.

He handed me back the vet bill after scrutinizing it for a moment.  I took a bite of his bagel.

"Theresmore…" I offered with my mouth full.

"Excuse me?"

"There is more." I enunciated, pointing at the open bag on the passenger seat.

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

Why do they all ask this question. Like I'm going to brag about it, "Well, I hope I topped 40, but I think 35 is more realistic given my texting at the time and I need new sparkplugs…"

"Thirty Three.  Here is your citation. Do you have any questions?"

Of course I had questions. It occurred to me to ask what my $141 would be spent on.  Did he even like bagels? If not, why hide out near a bagel shop, trolling for speeders? Did he vote for Butch Otter? How'd he feel about that choice?  Did he want to check my orifice? I might have drugs….


"No. Thanks." I said.

I bought regular creme cheese for the bagels. And it was morning. No one should be funny before 10.