The most evil woman in the world is here at this conference. She is so over the top evil that it is more often ridiculous than menacing anymore.
Vivian is the kind of person who throws her peers under the bus so that the bus will stop and she can get on… then later tells everyone else she was driving the bus and, in fact, invented buses. Do you follow this analogy? Me either! Not one of my better ones…but I have a HUGE HANGOVER. Anyway, she is here and I spent the evening with her last night because not unlike a pile of dog poop that you don't see until you step in it, I could not get her off my shoe.
At some point during my normal course of conference social business, mid-evening, I heard my name screamed dramatically from the center of the ballroom and there she was, holding her arms out wide. Really, I shite you nay, she cried,
"As I live and breathe! I haven't SEEN YOU IN AGES!"
Who says this outside of some bad made for tv movie staring Morgan Fairchild?
Naturally this drew attention to the corner where I was skulking, as I prefer to do, with a small gaggle of like-minded nerds, drinking and judging others. Everyone of my group looked at her, and then me in horror and said,
"You know Vivian?" (okay, not every one of them…just one, but the others said it with their EYES. And her name isn't really Vivian, but its what I'm calling her because it makes her seethe. Viv.) The funny thing is normally she does not give me the time of day except in passing; to brag about something and get a few digs in.
Everyone knows her and everyone loathes her. She is a Take Credit for Other's Hard Workstress of the first order. She's vicious and ruthless in how she conducts her dirty business in order to advance her own cause. She is truly like a hyena in every way except the inherited social status and pack size. She just had one guy with her last night, and usually. A big guy.
The beer, I should point out, was flowing freely in my corner. One of my favorite peers kept disappearing and reappearing with FREE DRINK LIMIT 2 PER PERSON coupons. His talents are many.
This is pertinent, probably.
So Vivian sashays over with this big dull-witted looking lummocks, who turns out to be some HUGE DC Agency Manager several tens of layers above anyone I work for….
Vivian coos, "Surely you all know Biff Bigington!" (not his real name, but I like it better)
Most of the people in my crowd did NOT know him because they are with a different agency. So she lists his job title and pay grade and names and titles of all we might know who WORK FOR HIM.
"Bob B? Works for Biff….Tom C? UNDER BIFF! The ENTIRE CADASTRAL SURVEY….that's right. Biff"
Biff just nodded as if it were glandular to do so. No emotion. It was …funny. He was drinking something on ice, which he swirled and rattled after each name or title, glanced at Vivian's breasts, more nodding. Vivian closes her eyes when she talks. Flutters the lashes shut as her mouth does its business. All details that lended to the cartoon effect of their whole cheesy act.
So, I drink some more and we all end up going to eat in the restaurant. Somewhere between my fifth and sixth Polygamy Porter, I hear Vivian bad mouthing a very respected and beloved mentor of mine. Biff next to her like a polyp.
"…and so I said, FUCK YOU, Joe Frist! And I MADE IT HAPPEN" she snaps her fingers,
"Just Like That!"
So I said, "That's not what happened. Joe never would have said that, and you didn't make IT happen, Dorothy did!"
Then I looked at Biff and said, "Do you like politics, Biff?"
to which he sort of shrugged and you could almost hear that half hearted gland squirting more nodding fluid.
"Because I'm Donna Godmen and I work in Denver…and I don't give a F*** what you think…"
which is my standard line when I've had enough to drink to be Job Compromisingly stupid. Sometimes, when she's not there, I say that I'm Vivian. Donna is Vivian's best friend. She tried to get me transferred to work under her recently. Her sins are many and this far into my cups, I tend to imagine others.
"Where is our pizza?" I ask. "Donna Godwin must have her pizza NOW!"
Finally another guy at the table says,
"No…but.. you aren't. I know Donna Godmen! You aren't her!"
I laughed and said, "Whatever. This is POLITICS!"
I deserve my hangover. This morning someone I have never seen handed me 10 drink coupons for tonights social.
"I know I can get more…..Donna…" he winked.