My very good friend Cindy is seeking LOVE on the NET. It's what I've
always wanted for her. I LOVE LOVE and I LOVE THE NET. Emoticon Hearts
for her… CREEPY GOOD TIMES FOR ME!
At first she had constructed a boring almost technical profile for
herself. "I enjoy the outdoors and sitting in the shade…kittens and
good food…I'm a passionate conservationist…" Lalalalalalala
…insert anyone you've ever met who shops at REI here.
Those were the patagonia and sunshine thoughts that she attempted to
convey in her profile, anyway. Sadly, Cindy is a brilliant mind, a
witty conversationalist, an eloquent speaker, highly educated and well
rounded…but the worst fucking speller I have ever met out of
diapers. Here's the actual words she used,
"I injoy the outdoor and siting in the shade, …I am a pastionite conversationist….." etc etc
She's going to call bullshit on this, and because I do not have the
words in front of me, I am paraphrasing. TRUST ME, though, when she
writes without spell check the results are almost prehistoric in their
ability to be easily translated by the layman. When she writes
utilizing spell check, often her words are spelled so wrongly that the
best the simple software add-on can do is choose something close. It's
complete sentence anarchy for the recipient. And, of course, always a
delight for me.
The other night, however, we sat and drank and constructed a more
suitable profile for a woman of her unique charms and personality.
Because we needed for it to be completely understood by the Mr. Rights
of her dreams, I spelled everything for her.
"Are you sure this isn't TOO WEIRD? Especially the part about feces?
Are you sure you spell it with a 'c'?" she asked, "that doesn't look
"It's perfect, and VERY APPROPRIATE for OUR…uh, YOUR goals" I
assured her. "You want to weed out the lame ass professionals who will
only drag you down with their blan appetites and complete lack of
abstract HILARITY. TELEVISION watchers and men who WEAR SHOES WITHOUT
We shuddered as one.
Plus, we were 'in our cups' as they say.
At that point in time, pre-edit, her profile had received 50 hits.
Since last night, when her NEW IMPROVED profile went live she has
250. PLUS EMAILS!
Today she emailed me from her office to mine about all the exciting
LOVE activity. All the winks, the nods, the 80 character limitation
"Get on an reed the emales I've goten so far!" she gushed, textually.
I did. And my favorite is from a 77 year old man living in North Idaho.
"I saw you looked at mine, now show me yours." wrote CDABILL, who
loves soft foods and bowel movements. "I bathe regularly and put the
toilet seat down….Let's get acqainted!"
There were emails from a few others who "love skiing, boating and
biking. Looking for someone to share it with" and "kayak every chance I
get, when I'm not mtn biking. Love big water, fast downhill, and life.
bah! She can BIKE WITH ME! WHO CAN SHE 'CAUDAL' with? Who LOVES SOFT FOOD!?
I've deleted everyone but CDABill from her favorites list.